


Repercussions and Regret

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [27]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Childhood OCD, F/M, Guilt, Hospitalisation, Mental Illness, Regret, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 07:24:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11709636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will Lose2 months after Tyler is finally admitted to cygnet ward for the first time following Debby's death and his breakdown, Kelly and Chris are taking the time to look back on what lead to their current situation.Sort of a follow up to The Messy Bookshelf and comes before His Return.





	Repercussions and Regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JustAnotherFlightlessBird](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherFlightlessBird/gifts).



"Kel sweetheart, what's going on? What are you watching?" Chris said as he made his way down the basement steps in the pitch black, looking at his wife's face that was lit up by the glow of the TV screen. She held a tissue in her fingers anxiously and sniffed as she wiped away tears.  
"Just old home movies,"  
"Oh I remember this, Ty's first time trying to learn how to ride a bike." He smiled as he sat down next to her on the beanbag and wrapped his arm around her back.

"Daddy, Daddy don't let go!" His 5 year old son cried out anxiously, a far too large helmet doubling the size of his head as Chris ran alongside him down the road with one hand on the back of the saddle.  
"Keep moving your feet baby!" Kelly called after him from behind the camera.  
"That's it Ty, we're going so fast! Awesome job!"  
"Daddy don't let go,"  
"I'm not letting go Ty,"  
"Daddy I don't like it I don't like it! Stop it!"  
"Okay okay, let's stop just here then bud."  
"Wow! Great-" Kelly started praising him as she stopped recording.

"Don't think I could run that far anymore." Chris joked as Kelly paused the slideshow on the laptop connected to the screen.  
"Even back then, he was so anxious all the time," she whispered as she pulled apart the tissue.  
"How was he today when you visited?"  
"Bad."  
"How bad?"  
"Really bad." She murmured, tears cascading down her cheeks. "He pulled his feeding tube out right in front of me and then when the nurse told him he had to go and have it put back in, he threw a chair at her and then alarms were pulled and he was restrained and medicated and dragged off to the seclusion room again."  
"Did you at least get to speak to him before he kicked off?"  
"Briefly, maybe a minute or two, but the whole time he was just telling me that he's going to kill himself and there's nothing anyone can do because he is going to kill himself." She cried and he didn't have any new comforting words, every evening just seemed to be a repeat of the last. Instead he pressed his lips to the top of her head and held them there.

"And Chris, I believe him."  
"No, Kelly sweetheart no, you can't give up on him, he's going to get better I promise you. The worst is behind us, we've had our year of Hell, now he's in a hospital and a place where they are going to make sure that he can't and that he will get better and he will come home to us at some point."  
"I want to believe that, I do, it's just even with all their measures, the supervision and the room searches and everything, he still manages to find a way to hurt himself all the time. Who's to say he won't find a way to kill himself?"  
"We have to trust him, okay?"  
"But I don't, not even a little bit." She shook her head, wiping her steady flowing tears again.  
"Trust the hospital then, Dr Wakefield said they're the best in the state. They've kept him alive this long and they're going to continue doing so I promise."

"I miss him Chris, I miss him so much."  
"I miss him too honey," he hummed, stroking her back up and down rhythmically.

"Do you want to watch some more home movies?" The husband offered a moment later in hope of calming her down, and she nodded and sniffed then clicked play on the laptop again. They both watched as the large TV screen flickered into life once more and started showing a video that Chris had taken the day they had brought Jay home from the hospital and Kelly was holding him in a cocoon of blankets and introducing him to his siblings for the first time.

"Say hello to Jay,"  
"Hi Jay!" The then 5 year old Maddy whispered excitedly, clambering onto the couch next to the newborn in her mother's arms.  
"Hey little bud," Zack smiled from the other side.  
"Guys, tell him your names." Chris said quietly from behind the camera.  
"I'm Zack, I'm your coolest and bestest brother,"  
"I, I'm Maddy. Mommy, Mommy can I hold him?"  
"Well how about Zacky holds him, and then you can see whether you can get him to wrap his little fingers around your finger?"  
"They're, Mommy, they're so small!! Cuuuute!"  
"You were that big once Mads." Chris told her and she giggled and shook her head no.

"Can I take him?" Zack asked.  
"Yeah, are you sitting comfortably? Get your back right up against the couch and tell me when you're ready."  
"Ready."  
"Okay, here we go, support his head, yeah, hold his head. Well done," Kelly passed across the sleeping bundle and Zack smiled down at his new baby brother.  
"Aww, hey Jay, hey," Zack cooed as Maddy climbed up onto her mom's lap and gently stroked Jay's soft wrinkly head.  
"He's so cute Mommy,"  
"Isn't he? And can you see how long his eyelashes are?"

"What colour are his eyes?" Zack asked.  
"Well all babies have blue eyes when they're born, so right now they're blue and they might stay blue, like Grandad's, but they'll probably turn brown like you guys."  
"I want to see his baby eyes! Tiny eyes!" Maddy squeaked excitedly and Kelly laughed then kissed her blonde hair.  
"He's sleeping princess."

"Why don't you give him a kiss Mads?" Chris suggested and she shuffled closer and softly planted her lips on his forehead, then giggled. Instinctively Zack followed suit and kissed him too.

"Tyler, do you want to come and kiss your brother too?" The father asked, turning the camera to the other side of the room and focusing on where Tyler was sat at the small kiddy table in the corner of the living room. He was arranging tiddlywinks into four different piles of separate colours and didn't even pause as he shook his head no.

"Baby? Come and say hello to Jay please, he really wants to meet you." Kelly joined in as Chris kept filming Tyler.  
"No."  
"Tyler." His father warned him with a stern undertone.  
"No."

"Sorry, I can't watch anymore." Kelly sniffed, reaching forward and hitting the space bar to freeze the screen on a slightly blurry and very dated frame of their son staring at a table of counters. "It was so obvious Chris, look at him! It was so obvious and we did nothing!"  
"Kelly-"  
"No, I knew there was something wrong with him, even when he was younger than that, I knew he was struggling and I didn't do a single thing about it! I could have fixed this before, before, before things got this ba-ad," she burst into a fit of sobs and Chris pulled her against his chest lovingly.

"Kelly, you're the last person who should be feeling guilty over how we raised Tyler, okay? Who was it who sat with him every night when he cleaned his teeth 4 times? Who took the time to iron his outfit every morning? Who home schooled him? Who never lost their patience with him? You honey, you. Okay maybe he didn't have a diagnosis, but you looked after him the best you possibly could in spite of that, and you did an amazing job." He whispered as she cried against him. "It's me who yelled at him, it was me who punished him for having a mental health disorder-"  
"Chris."  
"Remember I used to make him stand facing the wall with his hands on his head whenever he starting tapping? Jesus, I tortured our poor kid because he was having compulsions!"  
"Chris, sweetheart, it's not my fault and it's not yours, okay!!" Kelly lifted her head and stared him in the eyes whilst prodding his chest emotionally, but he wasn't sure he could believe her.

"You didn't know that was what he was doing, you didn't know."  
"Neither did you! Yet you never once attempted to stop him!"  
"Maybe if you hadn't then I would have," she sniffed.  
"We both know that's not true, you're kind and understanding and I'm cruel." Chris sighed, guilt weighing heavy on his shoulders.

"You didn't mean to hurt him Chris,"  
"But I did hurt him, maybe I'm the reason he got so anxious, so depressed,"  
"No, no that's not true." Kelly shook her head stubbornly and tearfully.  
"How can you know that?"  
"How can you?!"  
  
"Kelly, even you have to admit that I treated him badly."  
"That's not because you're a bad person though darling, you, you were just trying to discipline him, make him into a good kid."  
"I made him sicker!"  
"You didn't sweetheart, you didn't," she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him into a much needed hug. "You loved him, you wanted what was best for him, it's not your fault that you didn't know about his condition."  
"Why couldn't I have just looked after him like you did?"  
"Chris, maybe you gave him the exposure that he needed to cope as long as he did."  
"Or maybe I made him worse and that's the reason he is the way he is!" Chris snapped and she didn't say anything, just clung onto him.

"Mom? Dad?" Zack called from the top of the basement steps, and they both rushed to wipe their tears despite the fact the lights were off.  
"Hey sweetheart, everything okay?"  
"Yeh, um, I just, just wanted to check that you guys are okay."  
"Oh that's sweet of you. Why don't you grab Maddy and Jay and all come down here to watch some old videos with Dad and me?"  
"Okay," he said, then left them again in search of his two healthy siblings.

"When he comes home, Ty, when he eventually comes home, I'll make it up to him. I'll love him better and care for him deeper and be everything he needs from me and more. I'll do whatever it takes to make our home a safe and stable and supportive and loving place for him to feel secure."  
"I know you will Chris."  
"Tomorrow I'll take the day off work so I'm free during visiting hour and I'll go and see him, I'll tell him I'm sorry and that I love him and I'm here for him."  
"We both will, together. We'll remind him why he's got to stay strong and get better."  
"Yeah," Chris nodded, tears in his eyes as he tucked his wife's hair behind her ear. "We'll make sure he gets better, I promise."  
"I trust you."

"Mom?" Jay was the first to come rushing down the stairs, plonking himself straight on her lap without a moment's thought to his speed.  
"Hey baby,"  
"Mom, Zacky said we're gonna have a movie night!"  
"Yeah! Does that sound like fun?" She smiled as she stroked his hair, and Chris couldn't help but admire her strength.  
"Yeah."  
"And there's my handsome devil of a son and my favourite daughter." Chris forced a smile as Maddy and Zack appeared at the bottom of the dark staircase.  
"Only daughter." The 15 year old girl stuck her tongue out as she turned one of the couches to face the TV with Zack's help.

"So what's on at Joseph Cinema?" Zack asked as the pair settled down next to each other and behind the 3 on the beanbag.  
"I thought first we could watch a video of big old Zack here starring as sheep number 3 in his first nativity." She teased as she leant forwards and started flicking through videos on her laptop.  
"Oh god, please don't," he groaned embarrassed.  
"I wanna see Ty!" The 10 year old on her lap spoke up.  
"Ty?"  
"Yeah! I wanna see videos of Tyler! Pleeeaassseee Mom."  
"Yeah that sounds nice Mom, have you got any of him?" Maddy agreed.  
"Oh I'm sure we can find some cute ones." She said as she scrolled, and Chris discreetly held her hand around the back of Jay and squeezed it supportively.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is short and unedited, but quite frankly I needed to do this today <3 I was feeling low and struggled to find anything to be proud of about what I've achieved with my day, and then I received a really lovely comment requesting this fic and I decided I needed to write and post it, both for them but also myself for a sense of accomplishment.  
> It's 3am, I need sleep, I'm proud of myself for doing this, no matter how much I'll probably hate it by morning


End file.
